How to Fight the Biggest Problem in America

The biggest problem in America is not high unemployment, high debt, AIDS, bears, or crime. The most looming threat we face is zombies. Zombie is a term used to describe a "hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli" (according to Wikipedia). Not metaphorical "conformists" or even stupid people, but actual zombies.

The zombie disease will probably start in a small town, perhaps from an animal bite. It will likely spread locally and under the radar until an airport is infected. Once several people get bitten at an airport, the disease will spread from there, and humanity will never be the same.


What can we do to stop the spread of the zombie invasion? Not a lot. What can you do once the invasion has already happened and you are yet to be infected? A lot.


This article will discuss the pros and cons of several different types of legally available firearms against zombies. The fact is, much like a wrist watch (much more on that later), there is no "one size fits all" gun for each type of possible zombie encounter. Listed below are several possible options.

The Remington 870

The Remington 870 holds a special place in many gun owners hearts. It was many a young boy's first foray into firearms, myself included. A Remington 870 is just as home in shooting doves out of the sky as it is blasting giant, gaping, bleeding holes into home intruders. But does it work against zombies? With the right type of ammo (I recommend Remington 2 3/4" managed recoil 00 buckshot), certainly yes. A shotgun is most useful for medium range, moving zombies. Even a poorly placed shot against a moving zombie has a fairly high likelihood of a kill shot (typically a head shot). It is also a very reliable gun, and although I've had several stovepipe jams with it (where the spent shell gets caught in the breech), it is very reliable. The problems with the gun are: relatively short range (35-50 yards), only 5 shots available before having to manually reload each shell, and very heavy weight. The best situation in which to use this shotgun are against a small number of outdoor moving zombie targets at a relatively short range. The worst situation I can think of having this gun would be an indoor, close-quarters ambush situation. The large size of the gun will make maneuvering very difficult, and zombies will likely swarm and eat or infect you before you have time to make very many shots.

Remington 870
Pros: Easily available ammo, high power, reliability
Cons: Short range, massive size and weight, only 5 rounds per reload
Ideal Situation: Guarding a single door from a small crowd of zombies trying to get in.
Worst case scenario: Huge crowd of zombies in a very small, cramped environment, such as an abandoned office.





The AK-47

The AK-47 is perhaps the most famous gun of all time. Ask any jackass off the street to name a type of gun and there's probably a 50 percent chance they will say "AK-47". An AK-47 is a semi-automatic assault-rifle (military issue is fully auto) that shoots  7.62 x 39 mm caliber bullets. This caliber bullet is ballistically similar to Grandpa's favorite hunting rifle, the 30-30. What that means is that it is very effective within 100 yards, with a drop-off thereafter. The bullet has a tendency to be like a hole puncher, though. This means that the bullet zips right through the tissue without tumbling around and creating a much larger cavity. This could certainly be a problem against zombies. Zombies will most likely not be incapacitated by pain or shock, just organ or brain failure. If Joe Sixpack gets hit by an AK-47 round on the street, organ failure or no organ failure, he's going to stop and scream "holy fuck I got shot by an AK" and stop whatever he was doing. A zombie will probably not even notice. They're either coming at you, or they're dead. No in between. The solution to this problem is in the ammunition choice. Since the AK-47 was a military gun, the ammunition for it was bound by the Hague Convention. This means no hollow point bullets. If you don't know what a hollow point bullet is, please stop reading this blog and go to a PETA convention. The good news is, with the AK-47 being so popular amongst many pillars of the community, is the ammunition companies now make hollow points bullets in the 7.62 x 39 caliber. This means much more massive trauma, on the level of exploding heads. See video above.  Massive trauma and exploding heads is perfect for zombies. Another HUGE advantage of an AK-47 is the reliability. You can pack an AK-47 in sand, run it over, freeze it, dip it in mud, and then fire all 30 rounds off without a misfire. It's such a cheap POS weapon that the parts made for it have insane tolerances and variations. Think of it like a Honda Civic. They never break down. They might not look as cool or function as smoothly as your neighbors Maserati, but you'll be spending a lot less time in the shop than they will. This is especially useful for long term zombie apocalypse type situations, where months or years may pass until a cure or survival colony is found.

AK-47
Pros: Reliability, 30 round magazine, accuracy, high-powered, cheap ammo (if bought before the zombie attack).
Cons: Heavy weight, somewhat large size, small wound if using FMJ ammo.
Ideal Situation: Shooting invading zombies from the roof of a small warehouse
Worst Situation: Indoor close quarters combat with one or two fast-moving zombies


Glock 19

After World War Five, the only things left on the planet may be: cockroaches, Bud Light, Boss guitar effects pedals, and Glock guns. Glock guns, much like AK-47s, can pretty much take anything you throw at them. Freezing, getting run over, packed in sand, thrown off a cliff, placed into Latoya Jackson's vagina, and getting submerged for a few days in salt water are not much of a problem for a Glock pistol. Unlike the AK-47, however, the Glock's reliability is not some freak accident of shoddy engineering. Glocks were designed from the ground up in Austria to be reliable, accurate, and ugly. They succeeded in all three areas. Obviously, the main advantage to having any handgun against zombies would be in close quarters situations. Indoors is perfect. I picture an old, dark warehouse with a few zombie stragglers that need to be taken out. Cover fire for while you're running away is good for handguns too, although I'm not sure if zombies have any sort of fear or reflexes that cover fire tends to exploit. I guess we'll figure it out once the CDC accidentally releases the zombie virus into lower Atlanta.
     The Glock 19 model is a compact (but not very compact) pistol chambered in 9mm. Besides being rapped about in Vanilla Ice songs, ("Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a 9"....intimidating) the 9mm round is something of a universal handgun round. NATO uses is it for most of their sidearms. The 9mm is considered to be by some "underpowered" yet to others it is "overpenetrative". I think a lot of the anti-9mm crowd is just so against the status quo and the almost generic-ness of the caliber. 9mm is indeed a very common caliber, the most common for handguns. It is that common-ness that makes this round ideal for zombies. Why? Because of the easy availability of the round. When zombies invade, a .454 Casull round may be great for blowing their heads off, but once you run out of ammo, good luck looting a house that has .454 Casull ammunition. In contrast, every other house you raid, particularly in shitty neighborhoods, will have a least a few boxes of 9mm rounds laying around somewhere between the crackpipe and the burglary equipment. Furthermore, since you'll be delivering headshots, a 9mm round will completely scramble the brains of any zombie intruder. Even a .22 would do the trick, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.
As modern mythology tells us, zombies are most easily killed via headshot. In some canons, they can only be killed via headshot. This can be a problem for this gun, or any handgun. An unskilled shooter in a high-pressure situation will likely not have the accuracy or steady hand to be able to consistently deliver headshots to invading zombie hordes. While the 9mm is perfectly effective against invading thugs trying to steal your flat-screen, zombies are not effected or slowed down to a torso shot. This makes this gun a risk to have in the hands of an untrained shooter, or really any female. 

Glock 19
Pros: Very maneuverable, almost universal ammunition, large magazine, very reliable
Cons: Not accurate in untrained hands, not extremely powerful.
Ideal situation: Surprise close-range indoor zombie attacks.
Worst situation: Guarding a fortified bunker on a hill against long range zombie threats. Either that or having any woman shoot the gun.

Ruger Mini-14

The Ruger Mini-14 is considered by some aging liberal hippie douches to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. It looks like a hunting rifle and some models are even called the "rancher", but has specs that are closer to an assault rifle. This allows for semi-automatic fire, a must have against short to medium range zombie encounters. This gun is the infamous weapon that helped two bank robbers in Miami outgun eight FBI agents. This gun uses the NATO 5.56 rounds (which is arguably interchangeable with hunting-grade .223 Remington rounds). Although a .22 caliber bullet is seen by some (idiots) as small and weak, the truth is far from it. This .223 round weighs in at 55 grains and travels at about 3,400 feet per second. That's about one and a half times heavier and four times faster than a .22 LR. In physics terms, that makes it about a zillion times more powerful. What will this do to a zombie? Let's find out what it does to a watermelon.

Unlike the AK-47's rounds, these bullets tumble and yaw when inside flesh. This makes even full metal jacket rounds an excellent choice against the undead. Additionally, these guns are very accurate and have a low recoil, meaning that even your girlfriend may be able to fend off a zombie or two. Additionally, .223 or 5.56 caliber ammunition shouldn't be too hard to find, particularly if you live near a military base that hasn't been overrun by zombies or taken over by government quarantine.

Ruger Mini-14
Pros: Excellent ammunition performance, fairly easy availability of ammo, somewhat rapid fire, low recoil, accuracy
Cons: Large size, somewhat small factory magazine of  (aftermarket magazines are available but require disassembly and modification), somewhat difficult to insert magazine in a high pressure situation
Ideal situation: Medium range combat against a handful of zombies
Worst situation: Ambush on all sides



.50 Caliber Sniper Rifle

Being exclusively a long-range firearm, any .50 caliber weapon has some obvious advantages and disadvantages and I won't go into a full review of them. They are obvious. You wouldn't use this gun for short range attacks just like wouldn't try to hit a zombie from 300 yards with the Glock 19. This gun, equipped with a scope, is perfect for guarding high ground or a fortified bunker from long range zombie attacks. The .50 BMG round is quite simply the most powerful mass produced round available to the general public. This round is perfect for when you really, really, really hate zombies, and simply killing them won't do. For example, if a horde of zombies just ate your wife and family, a couple taps to the head with a 9mm will kill them, but it may not satisfy the inner rage you feel. Enter the .50 BMG. A 50 cal will literally tear apart your target no matter where you hit it. With enough kinetic energy to stop a two mile long train (not really), this round will decimate your target. Although it is common in most zombie canons that zombies require a headshot to die (or die again), a 50 BMG may be an exception. The reason for this is something called hydrostatic shock. Put into complete idiots terms, hydrostatic shock occurs when the force from an impact is so great that it effects the entire nervous system of the target. For example, even a gut shot with a .50 BMG will likely have enough of a shock wave on its target to scramble its brains. This makes this round perfect for zombie attacks. Any shot is a head shot. The downside of this weapon is that it is massive. It makes a 12 gauge shotgun look like a Derringer. You literally cannot take this anywhere. It is to be mounted in one place, preferably an elevated location.

.50 Caliber Sniper Rifle
Pros: Excellent long-range gun, extremely accurate, always deadly
Cons: Absolutely useless in short-range combat. Hope you brought your Glock 19.
Ideal situation: Guarding a building from an elevated area
Worst situation: Literally anything close range