Hipsters

   Next to zombies, hipsters are one of the greatest threats America faces. For those of you not familiar with what a hipster is, you may want to stop reading right now because there's no turning back from here. I envy your ignorance. Hipsters were kids that sucked at sports in high school and decided to start a band and write poetry so they could possibly stand a chance of losing their virginity before the age of 50. These people normally wouldn't stand a chance of doing so, but something happened a long time ago. These idiots all banded together and reached a critical mass, thereby creating their own social group in which the normal laws of what's acceptable and unacceptable do not apply.
  Hipsters are all about irony. Not Shakespearean dramatic irony, not Alanis Morrisette irony-that-isn't-actually-irony-at-all, but more like opposite day. For a hipster, every day is opposite day. Therein lies the problem. Hipsters were made fun of so much growing up that they had to evolve in order to survive. The way they evolved is to excrete some sort of Teflon-esque coating so you can't ever actually ever make fun of them successfully. If you tell a hipster "hey your shirt really sucks" they'll shrug you off for being "stupid" because they're wearing it "ironically". The skinny ones (which make up 99% of their population) aren't skinny, they're just being "ironically anorexic". The fat ones are merely making social commentary on America's consumer culture.
   With all this "irony" business, it may seem kind of hard to spot a hipster. It's not. Here are the top five tell-tale signs that the person across from you at the bar is not actually a Barry Manillow fan and is just wearing the '78 tour shirt ironically.

5. Obscure T-shirts.      
    Hipsters love to wear obscure t-shirts. If you see an anorexic looking feminine looking male with a Mr. Bubble t-shirt on, you aren't looking at a bathing aficionado, you've got yourself a douchebag hipster.

4.  Women's Jeans. 
    I have no idea how this started, or better yet how it gained any sort of traction. As Charlie Murphy said about Prince, "you know where you got that shirt from, and you're damn sure it wasn't the men's department". This goes the same with jeans. My only guess is that, years ago, some hipster's mom bought him women's jeans by accident and, to escape getting a swirlie by the football team, he said that he did it on purpose to be ironic. I'm quite sure he got the swirlie anyway.

3. PBR
   Hipsters' taste in irony extends beyond their god-awful wardrobe. They consume the beer that they think is the shittiest, which sadly is Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pabst Blue Ribbon has been a staple in my diet ever since it was a dollar at happy hour at a beloved college bar in my glory days. Hipsters have attempted to take PBR from the domain of the fraternity house at 4 a.m. and into their late-night poetry readings or indie alt-rock concerns. As the great Charlton Heston said, "from my cold dead hands".

2. Ridiculous Mustaches
    Hipsters are so amazed at their new-found ability to grow something other than peach fuzz at the age of 21 that they have to show it off to the world in bizarre ways. The way they choose to do this is by growing the most gaudy, ridiculous, supposedly-ironic mustache that they can think of. Hipsters will try to sport mustaches ranging from the Fu Manchu all the way to the realms of 1800's chic, including Chester Arthur and William Howard Taft. Some call it a mustache, I call it a "don't hire me" sign. It's fine anyway, hipsters don't want to work and support our "consumerist culture". Unless it's by buying Apple products and hanging out at coffee shops.

1. Plaid
    By far the most annoying trait of a hipster is their affinity for plaid. Perhaps it's some defense mechanism to shine a good light upon the type of clothes their father was wearing when he would come home drunk and beat them mercilessly for not trying out for the baseball team. Perhaps it's just because it's what Urban Outfitters is pushing on them. I'm not sure of the exact reason. All I know is that they wear plaid, and they are a threat to America.

  By far the single most annoying thing about hipsters is that they reject the label (back to the "irony" thing) and hate other hipsters. Therefore, they are once again more difficult to make fun of, because they will try to deflect any criticism you throw at them. They'll just agree with you and insist that they hate hipsters as much as you do. But at the end of the day, their the ones who will still ride a longboard to class and spend countless hours grooming their girl-repelling 19th century mustache.

  My plan to combat the hipster problem does not involve various types of firearms, as it does with the zombie problem. I will be throwing a hipster-themed birthday party this year. For one night in August, we will all dress like moronic scum that threatens many towns in the United States. But we'll be doing it "ironically", because we aren't actual hipsters. Or are we? Maybe dressing "ironically" for even one evening, even if it's ironically making fun or irony, will start a metamorphosis from which I will wake up one day in a Sesame Street t-shirt and a warm PBR still in my hand. Let's hope not.