Status Updates I Look Forward to on Google+

   Some clever executive at Google recently thought something along the lines of "You know what people don't do enough of?.... Wasting time on their computer obsessing over other people's lives". Brilliant. And so, Google+ was born. I myself recently started a Google+ account, and then after about 90 seconds of tinkering with settings and uploading a picture and whathaveyou, I asked myself why in hell I am starting on yet another social network. I could not think of an answer. Everyone I know is on facebook, and I spend way too much time stalking pictures from "beach day" of some girl I made out with at an AXO mixer sophomore year of undergrad or something like that. So I have abandoned Google+ for now, simply because there is no reason to have it. I will, however, think about getting back into the Google+ world once all of my lame friends start up on there and start with their Shakespearean status updates. I'm friends with so many brilliant minds. Here's a quick list of some of the more brilliant types of status updates that I have grown accustomed to on facebook and long to see on Google+ in the very near future:

The Political Genius
Despite this person's lack of any sort of higher education and the fact that they are 20 years old living on an allowance from their parents, this person makes sure their phone is on at all times because surely CNN or the Washington Post will be calling any second to offer them a six-figure deal for their political commentary. Until then, it's back to living on the 200 dollars a week that you get from your parents that they received from a slip and fall settlement from a wet floor at the local Food Lion.
Example: I can't beleive that OBAMA thinks he can raise my taxes! This country is headed towards Socailisim! If people are stupid enough to vote for OBAMA a second time they are stuppid and should be shot! Call your senators today and tell them to defund Planned Parenthood and NPR! They caused the recesssion!

Vaguebooking
If lame status updates were a prosecutable offense, vaguebooking would be a capital crime.  Vaguebooking is quite simple, we've all seen it, particularly with our friends that post pictures of themselves taken with cell phones in the mirror. Vaguebooking is an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help. It's one of the lowest forms of fishing.
Betty is wondering if it's all worth it. 
John is sick and tired of all this. 
Karen just wishes all of this would stop and go away. 

Those are perfect examples of vaguebooking that we've all seen before. Here's the kicker: vaguebooking is nothing more than a crappy attempt to fish for support, but when your dumb friends respond to the support, there is a 100 percent chance that the vaguebooker will not explain their situation. This makes it exponentially worse for stalkers such as myself who actually have a sick fascination with what is wrong with their lives (albeit it is for the sole purpose of feeling better about our own lives. Here's an example using the above update as a platform
Betty is wondering if it's all worth it 
      Lisa: Is everything ok love? 
      Mary: Oh no! What's wrong? 
      Betty: Ugh it's nothing. Thanks. 

Dirty Laundry 
   Vaguebooking is trashy and annoying. When poor people update their dirty laundry on the internet for the world to see, it's VERY trashy yet hilarious. I literally had one facebook "friend" who told a story about how awful her "ex-friend" was, about how she got in a fight at the bar and ruined her car or something, and how she wasn't talking to her ever again and had mental problems... but she actually tagged the person in the update. That means she not only broadcasted to the world her friends tale of drunken violence and betrayal, but conveniently provided a link for everyone to find the aforementioned "friend" online (that also appeared on the "friend's" wall until she inevitably deleted it as soon as she saw it.) Perhaps even better than quarrels between friends is tales of lover's quarrels or troubles with ex's (or baby daddy's). For this type of update, HUGE bonus points are awarded if you tag the victim of your tyrade in the post itself. 
Dear Samantha, I want my $1,000 back that you used to kill our baby! That's right Samantha was pregnant, but she took care of it.

Ugh! Don't be surprised that Melissa doesn't want to talk to her daddy, Scott!!! You've never been a part of her life and don't expect you can just call on father's day and think that everything is going to be ok!!! Maybe if you sent a check every now and then I would tell her who you are! SO UPSET RIGHT NOW!!!!


I'm Awesome, So Fuck You!
   Alright I couldn't decide on a name for this one, as it's hard to really categorize in a catchy title. I decided on something with "fuck you" in the title because hey, if all else fails, throw some sort of profanity in there somewhere and someone is bound to laugh at it at some point. While vaguebooking and dirty laundry updates are typically reserved for those in their late teens and early twenties who migrated over from Myspace, this type of update violation is often committed by those in their late twenties and early thirties, usually the newly married females. The sole purpose of the update is to notify all of their unmarried or divorced friends how much happier their lives are than anyone else's.
Ashley is sitting on the hammock with the hubby drinking bloody mary's on the lake! God has really blessed our lives!
Beth is relaxing by the pool, drink in hand, so happy to be married to such a wonderful man! 

These status updates tend to annoy, well, everyone. Listen, we're glad you're happily married or with someone, but odds are all your friends already have a pool going as to what month you'll get divorced in. A fun game I like to play with these types of status updates is the... So Fuck You!!! game. Similar to several sexual Fortune Cookie games (where you add something sexual to the end of your fortune), all you do for these updates is add So Fuck You!!!! Try it out...
Cathy is with her hubby, cooking dinner, snuggling on the couch, wondering what she did to deserve such a wonderful husband, So Fuck You!!!!
Isn't it great?

My Kids Are So Great
I'm not going to go into a long explanation here, because it really speaks for itself. But honestly, unless you're married to this person or the grandparents of the kids, we really don't give a fuck that your fifth grader got all A's and B's on his report card. I used to get A's and B's on my report card, and Jesus Christ look at me now.  If you're wondering if you talk about your kids too much, take a look at your profile picture. If it's your kid, then you do, and I hate you.
Cooper got sixth place in the science fair! The highest place of any non-Asian!

Song Lyrics
Listen, just because you never learned how to learn to write and express your own thoughts doesn't mean that we want to hear someone else's. We really don't want to hear some crappy emo band talk about heartbreak and despair on the radio, nor do we want to read it in your god-awful status update. These updates are sort of a throwback to AIM away messages, and also a throwback to being 16. If you're not 16, then stop. Just stop. If you are 16, why am I friends with you?

The Best Terrible Songs Ever

We're all guilty of liking an occasional terrible song, but something about me is attracted to the awfulness. When I hear a particularly bad song, part of me appreciates the hard work and effort that goes into making something that is memorably bad. Here's a few songs that I will always turn up when I hear them on the radio, to the chagrin of the passengers in my vehicle.

1.) Big Country- In A Big Country

 Boy Meets Girl- Waiting for a Star to Fall

   One of the worst, yet most catchy songs of all time.



Level 42- Something About You
 Perhaps my favorite of the terrible 80s songs. It's so... bad. I'm surprised David Hasselhoff didn't cover it on one of his amazing albums. Complete with a ridiculous video with lots of lo-fi 80s special effects.