Several Reasons Why I Hate You

So yeah, it's been, errr, six months since my last post. Between the vigorous routine of watching mad men, studying for the bar, listening to techno music, and taking care of a um female pet cat, this blog was a little low on my list of priorities. I thought I'd update and give y'all a tidbit of amazing-ness, if for no other reason but to motivate you to try to do a better job emulating me in your day to day behaviors.

However, because of all of the aforementioned activities that have taken place, my brain is still a little fried. Rather than come up with some witty introduction where I give some bogus backstory that explains what event triggered me to write this post, I'll just skip that step and list "Several Reasons Why I Hate You".

You're a Grown Man Who Claims to Like Pro Soccer

Stop. That's enough. Stop pretending to like soccer. I bet you're the same douchebag who gets drunk at the bar and tells everyone why we should be on the metric system. Listen, buddy, we're in America. Soccer sucks because they run around some oversized field for an hour (I think, the clock measures the time backwards, naturally) and something cool happens once every thirty minutes. I need my sports to contain more violence or general frattiness than men's soccer. I want to see some concussions (football), or at least know that the guy I'm watching pitch the ball was most likely wrecking some underage pop singer the night before, after he shot his daily dose of Winstrol into his ass (baseball). There's nothing cool about soccer. The only people in America that watch it are hipster contrarians who probably hate soccer as much as I do, they just need to act different because they somehow think it helps them get laid. I liked soccer too, but then sixth grade rolled around and I just got too busy to hop in the minivan and make it to practice.

You Have More Than One College Team You Cheer For

I was originally going to make fun of people that cheer for a college team that differs from where they attended college. However, I realized this may seem a bit "elitist", since not everyone can afford to attend the college that they grew up liking, or maybe they were just too stupid to get in. I mean, I'm not judging. Hell, I barely made it out of college, and I'm pretty sure nobody in my family believed I actually graduated until they saw my diploma attached to a notarized copy of my transcript. Either way, I'll broaden my criteria to generalize this category to anyone that cheers for different teams in multiple sports. All of my gamecock friends love the gamecocks in the fall, but come spring they cheer on the Tar Heels as if they have a UNC diploma on their wall. Guess what... they don't. UNC is a smart person school, and they were too big of a dumbass to get in. Hey, I'm not judging, I didn't even get into Virginia Tech (true story), but I don't have some displaced passion for them that I let out by cheering on their croquet team whenever I get the change. Listen, if your team wasn't that good in a sport, don't give up on it. Instead, relish it. Use that as an opportunity to show the world just how big of a fan you are. If you're a UNC basketball fan and have different loyalty in the football world, why? Why the hell do you suck so much that you can only cheer for a team that's winning. Twenty bucks says you are a Dallas Cowboys fan.

If You Constantly Say "The Book Was Better"

I shouldn't have to explain this one. If I watch a movie that I enjoy, and you say "the book was better", I'm going to judge you. The reason I watch movies is to sit down on my couch and not think about anything but some fictional character's problems for about two hours. It's a method of relaxation. I need to relax as much as possible to get away from my hectic, 12 hour a week work schedule. Books are stupid. Ok, sure, they're occasionally ok as a means to really get into someone else's head and get all philosophical and stuff. For the one day a year that I feel like doing this, I just re-read American Psycho and the urge goes away. The reason nobody likes books is because a book is essentially a task. Nobody wants to buy a to-do list. But that's what a book is. It's not enjoyable unless you put some effort into it, and we as Americans just don't have time for things that involve effort. So, while you're reading the "better" book, I'm sitting on my couch drinking Busch Light thinking about how awesome my life is compared to yours. I get to watch hot actresses for two hours, you have to listen to Levar Burton's voice in your head for however long it takes to read the book (I don't remember how long that takes) narrate the story to you while taking an occasional break to stop chasing the "butterfly in the sky" and tell you about the magic of reading. 

What Kind of Watch Should I Actually Wear?

  In my last post about fine timepieces, I basically made fun of all watches under 200,000 dollars. While I continue to stand by my position that if your watch costs under 200k you should be ashamed to wear it out in public, I realize that some of my poorer friends cannot afford to spend 200 grand on a fine investment such as a wristwatch. The reason for this, of course, is that they are too lazy to get a real job. While I cannot cure their inherent laziness, I can suggest some less embarrassing alternatives for these ninnyhammers to wear other than their prized Avril Lavigne watch that they won for collecting seven tickets from the ski ball machine.
  If you refuse to spend 200k on a Patek Philippe, there are several lower-cost options that will help mitigate, but not completely eliminate, your douchebaggery. My first recommendation may be controversial, but it has to be said. I recommend a Rolex. Rolex is, bar none, the most emulated watch in the world. Almost every other watch company takes their design cues from Rolex (we're looking at you, Omega) and Rolex's also hold their value for decades. When you buy a watch such as a Rolex Submariner or Datejust, you know that you're wearing something that you can give to your grandchildren (provided you don't pawn it to pay off your meth dealer first). Although Rolex's in recent years have been hijacked by the nouveau riche materialists who literally wear their first Christmas bonus on their wrist, that doesn't stop grade-A badasses from wearing them and continuing to wear them. You want a list of badasses who sport a Rolex? No. Literally anyone cool has at least one Rolex watch. There are no exceptions to this rule. Do I have a Rolex? No. Am I cool? No. Not because I'm not cool, but because I don't own a Rolex. Follow my logic? Neither do I. A new Rolex will usually set you back at least 6 grand, depending on the model. Too lazy to work hard enough to afford one? Don't worry, my free-loading friend, there are other, crappier options.
   If you really want to fool people into thinking you have a cool watch but don't have the cash to plop down on a Rolex, an Omega isn't a terrible option. James Bond wears an Omega. James Bond, however, is also a fictional character. That kind of subtracts a few points. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin wore one on the moon. That adds a few points, especially after you watch Buzz's interview with Ali G. However, for 1k and some change, you can get a used Omega online. You'll look like a complete badass in front of all your buddies until a guy with a Rolex walks in the real room.
     For those of you lacking in all originality, there is a watch company that is awaiting you with open arms. Tag Heuer has been making timepieces for a while, and they are quite popular. Everyone with an extra thousand dollars in their pocket seems to run off and buy a Tag upon graduating high school. However, they are somewhat attractive pieces, sort of a more modern take on Rolex's designs. For me, however, when it comes to watches, the word "modern" is something I shy away from. Bottom line, they are decent watches that will make you look cool in front of all the Casio wearers. But don't count on it getting bonus points for that big job interview or that blonde model girl you've been scoping out.
   These are all the common brands that people wear if they have a little money to toss around. There are tons of other brands, Seiko (who the hell wears a Japanese watch??!), Movado (who the hell wears a Swiss watch without a Swiss movement???!!), and Casio. There isn't much of a point in writing about all of their differences because to be honest, there are none. They're a quartz movement slapped in a stainless steel case. The only difference is the design. Basically, just pick a design you like. It will look nice and tell you what time it is. A watch that isn't expensive, looks decent, and tells you the time. What a weird world we live in.

Status Updates I Look Forward to on Google+

   Some clever executive at Google recently thought something along the lines of "You know what people don't do enough of?.... Wasting time on their computer obsessing over other people's lives". Brilliant. And so, Google+ was born. I myself recently started a Google+ account, and then after about 90 seconds of tinkering with settings and uploading a picture and whathaveyou, I asked myself why in hell I am starting on yet another social network. I could not think of an answer. Everyone I know is on facebook, and I spend way too much time stalking pictures from "beach day" of some girl I made out with at an AXO mixer sophomore year of undergrad or something like that. So I have abandoned Google+ for now, simply because there is no reason to have it. I will, however, think about getting back into the Google+ world once all of my lame friends start up on there and start with their Shakespearean status updates. I'm friends with so many brilliant minds. Here's a quick list of some of the more brilliant types of status updates that I have grown accustomed to on facebook and long to see on Google+ in the very near future:

The Political Genius
Despite this person's lack of any sort of higher education and the fact that they are 20 years old living on an allowance from their parents, this person makes sure their phone is on at all times because surely CNN or the Washington Post will be calling any second to offer them a six-figure deal for their political commentary. Until then, it's back to living on the 200 dollars a week that you get from your parents that they received from a slip and fall settlement from a wet floor at the local Food Lion.
Example: I can't beleive that OBAMA thinks he can raise my taxes! This country is headed towards Socailisim! If people are stupid enough to vote for OBAMA a second time they are stuppid and should be shot! Call your senators today and tell them to defund Planned Parenthood and NPR! They caused the recesssion!

Vaguebooking
If lame status updates were a prosecutable offense, vaguebooking would be a capital crime.  Vaguebooking is quite simple, we've all seen it, particularly with our friends that post pictures of themselves taken with cell phones in the mirror. Vaguebooking is an intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help. It's one of the lowest forms of fishing.
Betty is wondering if it's all worth it. 
John is sick and tired of all this. 
Karen just wishes all of this would stop and go away. 

Those are perfect examples of vaguebooking that we've all seen before. Here's the kicker: vaguebooking is nothing more than a crappy attempt to fish for support, but when your dumb friends respond to the support, there is a 100 percent chance that the vaguebooker will not explain their situation. This makes it exponentially worse for stalkers such as myself who actually have a sick fascination with what is wrong with their lives (albeit it is for the sole purpose of feeling better about our own lives. Here's an example using the above update as a platform
Betty is wondering if it's all worth it 
      Lisa: Is everything ok love? 
      Mary: Oh no! What's wrong? 
      Betty: Ugh it's nothing. Thanks. 

Dirty Laundry 
   Vaguebooking is trashy and annoying. When poor people update their dirty laundry on the internet for the world to see, it's VERY trashy yet hilarious. I literally had one facebook "friend" who told a story about how awful her "ex-friend" was, about how she got in a fight at the bar and ruined her car or something, and how she wasn't talking to her ever again and had mental problems... but she actually tagged the person in the update. That means she not only broadcasted to the world her friends tale of drunken violence and betrayal, but conveniently provided a link for everyone to find the aforementioned "friend" online (that also appeared on the "friend's" wall until she inevitably deleted it as soon as she saw it.) Perhaps even better than quarrels between friends is tales of lover's quarrels or troubles with ex's (or baby daddy's). For this type of update, HUGE bonus points are awarded if you tag the victim of your tyrade in the post itself. 
Dear Samantha, I want my $1,000 back that you used to kill our baby! That's right Samantha was pregnant, but she took care of it.

Ugh! Don't be surprised that Melissa doesn't want to talk to her daddy, Scott!!! You've never been a part of her life and don't expect you can just call on father's day and think that everything is going to be ok!!! Maybe if you sent a check every now and then I would tell her who you are! SO UPSET RIGHT NOW!!!!


I'm Awesome, So Fuck You!
   Alright I couldn't decide on a name for this one, as it's hard to really categorize in a catchy title. I decided on something with "fuck you" in the title because hey, if all else fails, throw some sort of profanity in there somewhere and someone is bound to laugh at it at some point. While vaguebooking and dirty laundry updates are typically reserved for those in their late teens and early twenties who migrated over from Myspace, this type of update violation is often committed by those in their late twenties and early thirties, usually the newly married females. The sole purpose of the update is to notify all of their unmarried or divorced friends how much happier their lives are than anyone else's.
Ashley is sitting on the hammock with the hubby drinking bloody mary's on the lake! God has really blessed our lives!
Beth is relaxing by the pool, drink in hand, so happy to be married to such a wonderful man! 

These status updates tend to annoy, well, everyone. Listen, we're glad you're happily married or with someone, but odds are all your friends already have a pool going as to what month you'll get divorced in. A fun game I like to play with these types of status updates is the... So Fuck You!!! game. Similar to several sexual Fortune Cookie games (where you add something sexual to the end of your fortune), all you do for these updates is add So Fuck You!!!! Try it out...
Cathy is with her hubby, cooking dinner, snuggling on the couch, wondering what she did to deserve such a wonderful husband, So Fuck You!!!!
Isn't it great?

My Kids Are So Great
I'm not going to go into a long explanation here, because it really speaks for itself. But honestly, unless you're married to this person or the grandparents of the kids, we really don't give a fuck that your fifth grader got all A's and B's on his report card. I used to get A's and B's on my report card, and Jesus Christ look at me now.  If you're wondering if you talk about your kids too much, take a look at your profile picture. If it's your kid, then you do, and I hate you.
Cooper got sixth place in the science fair! The highest place of any non-Asian!

Song Lyrics
Listen, just because you never learned how to learn to write and express your own thoughts doesn't mean that we want to hear someone else's. We really don't want to hear some crappy emo band talk about heartbreak and despair on the radio, nor do we want to read it in your god-awful status update. These updates are sort of a throwback to AIM away messages, and also a throwback to being 16. If you're not 16, then stop. Just stop. If you are 16, why am I friends with you?

The Best Terrible Songs Ever

We're all guilty of liking an occasional terrible song, but something about me is attracted to the awfulness. When I hear a particularly bad song, part of me appreciates the hard work and effort that goes into making something that is memorably bad. Here's a few songs that I will always turn up when I hear them on the radio, to the chagrin of the passengers in my vehicle.

1.) Big Country- In A Big Country

 Boy Meets Girl- Waiting for a Star to Fall

   One of the worst, yet most catchy songs of all time.



Level 42- Something About You
 Perhaps my favorite of the terrible 80s songs. It's so... bad. I'm surprised David Hasselhoff didn't cover it on one of his amazing albums. Complete with a ridiculous video with lots of lo-fi 80s special effects.

Heroes: Doug Hutchison

   Doug Hutchison, you sir are a true patriot. Keep fighting for what is right. Perhaps some of you less-informed folk are asking yourself "who the hell is Doug Hutchison?" Glad you asked. Doug Hutchison is a 51 year-old actor who appeared in The Green Mile as the sadistic prison guard Percy, one of the most memorable villains in recent memory. He also appeared in some show called "Lost".
    How does one man's acting in a few roles make him a true hero? It doesn't. Last month, Doug Hutchison married his one true love. Love is something we here at Why I'm Better Than You support and truly believe in. Some of you "social conservatives" and naysayers may have a problem with Doug Hutchison's choice of love. Is it a man? No, that would be illegal in most states. It happens to be 16 year-old Courtney Alexis Stodden, an amateur model, singer and Youtube video-er. Marrying a 16 yer old girl, unlike marrying a member of the same sex even if of majority age, is legal in almost all states with parental consent. Here's a glimpse of her vast talents:

  While some of you who have no musical taste at all may criticize her video for being "the worst thing to happen to America since 9/11" and "sounding like a nightmarish Girl Talk-esque mashup of 'Friday' meets 'Believe' by Cher (that awful song that helped to unleash the monstrosity of auto-tune upon the masses), you are incorrect. This 16 year old girl, actually woman, since she is married, has quite possibly recorded the greatest song to hit the airwaves since "We Built This City".

   Why would an A-lister with over two feature films under his belt marry a girl who is slightly younger? Talent recognizes talent. Mr. Hutchison was great in The Green Mile and he might even be in another movie someday. Mrs. Hutchison is one of the greatest singers to come out of Ocean Shores, WA, in over ten years. They may be the best power-couple since Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Some people may call Mr. Hutchison a creepy old man. Some would go as far as to call his new bride a teenage bimbo. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mr. Hutchison is one of the greatest actors to hit the silver screen since Sir Laurence Olivier, and his wife is hands down the greatest female the world has seen since Cleopatra. May God bless these true soulmates with many, many years (lord knows Courtney has plenty left) of happily wedded bliss.

Advice for Recent Law School Graduates

   For many of you in your mid-twenties, it's graduation time from whatever law school that you were dumb enough to agree to attend. This means that it's almost time to hit the workforce.  Although some naysayers will say that it's tough for law school graduates to get a job, I say that's poppycock. Almost everyone with a JD will find a fulfilling job. That being said, the JD may not fully train you for what you need to know in your career. Although you've spent lots of hours reading cases and writing memos and whatnot, you may not actually know how to get into practice. Here's some advice that the crappy judge you had a summer clerkship with never taught you but will still help you really put your Juris Doctor degree to good use:


Lattes Have Steamed Milk, Cappuccinos Have Foamed Milk and Steamed Milk.
  This is easy enough to remember, but I can't even begin to count how many times recent law school grads have screwed up my order. It's not that they don't know the difference between a latte and a cappuccino, it's that they overdo it. I've gotten far too many cappuccino's that weigh about a half an ounce because 99 percent of the weight is frothed milk, which is basically air. If you remember to add steamed milk as well as frothed milk, you'll really be making the most out of your law school education.

Never Undercook French Fries. 
  If you're working at a fast food restaurant that serves thicker-than-average fries (think steak fries or wedge fries), make sure they get thoroughly cooked. There is nothing more disappointing than biting into a beautiful steak fry and tasting lukewarm gooey potato in the middle. When you're a fry cook, remember: more time in the fryer is more tastiness for the customer.

Make Sure to Stock Milk Correctly. 
   When you're stocking the aisles at your local grocery store, make sure to rotate the product. If you don't put the newest milk in the back, therefore out of reach to the customer, your customers will be getting milk that doesn't expire for about a month, but your manager is going to be quite angry when you have to explain to him why half of the milk he ordered expired.

Don't Load Up on Parking Tickets
   As recent JD's, we all know that you're only doing your job when you give out parking tickets to people with expired meters and whatnot. But please, don't give me six tickets in an hour just because my meter expired. I'm just going to appeal them and get them dropped anyway.

Don't Knock Over My Trash Cans After You Empty Them
  We all know that most males with a JD end up working for the city as garbage men. That's fine, but it's just disrespectful to just throw my trash containers, tipped over, in the middle of my front yard. It's not that it's hard for me to retrieve them, it's just sort of a giant "fuck you" for those who you serve and weren't lucky enough to get a JD like you did.

In conclusion, there are many things a JD prepares you for. It teaches you how to read a case and how to "think like a lawyer". But the actual training for your future job is certainly lacking. Hopefully soon law schools nationwide will have courses to help students get ready for the workforce, teaching them things like how to cook waffles, how to use a jackhammer, and how to mow lawns. Until then, this blog may be one of the only sources for tips on how to earn the most with your JD.

Hipsters

   Next to zombies, hipsters are one of the greatest threats America faces. For those of you not familiar with what a hipster is, you may want to stop reading right now because there's no turning back from here. I envy your ignorance. Hipsters were kids that sucked at sports in high school and decided to start a band and write poetry so they could possibly stand a chance of losing their virginity before the age of 50. These people normally wouldn't stand a chance of doing so, but something happened a long time ago. These idiots all banded together and reached a critical mass, thereby creating their own social group in which the normal laws of what's acceptable and unacceptable do not apply.
  Hipsters are all about irony. Not Shakespearean dramatic irony, not Alanis Morrisette irony-that-isn't-actually-irony-at-all, but more like opposite day. For a hipster, every day is opposite day. Therein lies the problem. Hipsters were made fun of so much growing up that they had to evolve in order to survive. The way they evolved is to excrete some sort of Teflon-esque coating so you can't ever actually ever make fun of them successfully. If you tell a hipster "hey your shirt really sucks" they'll shrug you off for being "stupid" because they're wearing it "ironically". The skinny ones (which make up 99% of their population) aren't skinny, they're just being "ironically anorexic". The fat ones are merely making social commentary on America's consumer culture.
   With all this "irony" business, it may seem kind of hard to spot a hipster. It's not. Here are the top five tell-tale signs that the person across from you at the bar is not actually a Barry Manillow fan and is just wearing the '78 tour shirt ironically.

5. Obscure T-shirts.      
    Hipsters love to wear obscure t-shirts. If you see an anorexic looking feminine looking male with a Mr. Bubble t-shirt on, you aren't looking at a bathing aficionado, you've got yourself a douchebag hipster.

4.  Women's Jeans. 
    I have no idea how this started, or better yet how it gained any sort of traction. As Charlie Murphy said about Prince, "you know where you got that shirt from, and you're damn sure it wasn't the men's department". This goes the same with jeans. My only guess is that, years ago, some hipster's mom bought him women's jeans by accident and, to escape getting a swirlie by the football team, he said that he did it on purpose to be ironic. I'm quite sure he got the swirlie anyway.

3. PBR
   Hipsters' taste in irony extends beyond their god-awful wardrobe. They consume the beer that they think is the shittiest, which sadly is Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pabst Blue Ribbon has been a staple in my diet ever since it was a dollar at happy hour at a beloved college bar in my glory days. Hipsters have attempted to take PBR from the domain of the fraternity house at 4 a.m. and into their late-night poetry readings or indie alt-rock concerns. As the great Charlton Heston said, "from my cold dead hands".

2. Ridiculous Mustaches
    Hipsters are so amazed at their new-found ability to grow something other than peach fuzz at the age of 21 that they have to show it off to the world in bizarre ways. The way they choose to do this is by growing the most gaudy, ridiculous, supposedly-ironic mustache that they can think of. Hipsters will try to sport mustaches ranging from the Fu Manchu all the way to the realms of 1800's chic, including Chester Arthur and William Howard Taft. Some call it a mustache, I call it a "don't hire me" sign. It's fine anyway, hipsters don't want to work and support our "consumerist culture". Unless it's by buying Apple products and hanging out at coffee shops.

1. Plaid
    By far the most annoying trait of a hipster is their affinity for plaid. Perhaps it's some defense mechanism to shine a good light upon the type of clothes their father was wearing when he would come home drunk and beat them mercilessly for not trying out for the baseball team. Perhaps it's just because it's what Urban Outfitters is pushing on them. I'm not sure of the exact reason. All I know is that they wear plaid, and they are a threat to America.

  By far the single most annoying thing about hipsters is that they reject the label (back to the "irony" thing) and hate other hipsters. Therefore, they are once again more difficult to make fun of, because they will try to deflect any criticism you throw at them. They'll just agree with you and insist that they hate hipsters as much as you do. But at the end of the day, their the ones who will still ride a longboard to class and spend countless hours grooming their girl-repelling 19th century mustache.

  My plan to combat the hipster problem does not involve various types of firearms, as it does with the zombie problem. I will be throwing a hipster-themed birthday party this year. For one night in August, we will all dress like moronic scum that threatens many towns in the United States. But we'll be doing it "ironically", because we aren't actual hipsters. Or are we? Maybe dressing "ironically" for even one evening, even if it's ironically making fun or irony, will start a metamorphosis from which I will wake up one day in a Sesame Street t-shirt and a warm PBR still in my hand. Let's hope not.