What Kind of Watch Should I Actually Wear?

  In my last post about fine timepieces, I basically made fun of all watches under 200,000 dollars. While I continue to stand by my position that if your watch costs under 200k you should be ashamed to wear it out in public, I realize that some of my poorer friends cannot afford to spend 200 grand on a fine investment such as a wristwatch. The reason for this, of course, is that they are too lazy to get a real job. While I cannot cure their inherent laziness, I can suggest some less embarrassing alternatives for these ninnyhammers to wear other than their prized Avril Lavigne watch that they won for collecting seven tickets from the ski ball machine.
  If you refuse to spend 200k on a Patek Philippe, there are several lower-cost options that will help mitigate, but not completely eliminate, your douchebaggery. My first recommendation may be controversial, but it has to be said. I recommend a Rolex. Rolex is, bar none, the most emulated watch in the world. Almost every other watch company takes their design cues from Rolex (we're looking at you, Omega) and Rolex's also hold their value for decades. When you buy a watch such as a Rolex Submariner or Datejust, you know that you're wearing something that you can give to your grandchildren (provided you don't pawn it to pay off your meth dealer first). Although Rolex's in recent years have been hijacked by the nouveau riche materialists who literally wear their first Christmas bonus on their wrist, that doesn't stop grade-A badasses from wearing them and continuing to wear them. You want a list of badasses who sport a Rolex? No. Literally anyone cool has at least one Rolex watch. There are no exceptions to this rule. Do I have a Rolex? No. Am I cool? No. Not because I'm not cool, but because I don't own a Rolex. Follow my logic? Neither do I. A new Rolex will usually set you back at least 6 grand, depending on the model. Too lazy to work hard enough to afford one? Don't worry, my free-loading friend, there are other, crappier options.
   If you really want to fool people into thinking you have a cool watch but don't have the cash to plop down on a Rolex, an Omega isn't a terrible option. James Bond wears an Omega. James Bond, however, is also a fictional character. That kind of subtracts a few points. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin wore one on the moon. That adds a few points, especially after you watch Buzz's interview with Ali G. However, for 1k and some change, you can get a used Omega online. You'll look like a complete badass in front of all your buddies until a guy with a Rolex walks in the real room.
     For those of you lacking in all originality, there is a watch company that is awaiting you with open arms. Tag Heuer has been making timepieces for a while, and they are quite popular. Everyone with an extra thousand dollars in their pocket seems to run off and buy a Tag upon graduating high school. However, they are somewhat attractive pieces, sort of a more modern take on Rolex's designs. For me, however, when it comes to watches, the word "modern" is something I shy away from. Bottom line, they are decent watches that will make you look cool in front of all the Casio wearers. But don't count on it getting bonus points for that big job interview or that blonde model girl you've been scoping out.
   These are all the common brands that people wear if they have a little money to toss around. There are tons of other brands, Seiko (who the hell wears a Japanese watch??!), Movado (who the hell wears a Swiss watch without a Swiss movement???!!), and Casio. There isn't much of a point in writing about all of their differences because to be honest, there are none. They're a quartz movement slapped in a stainless steel case. The only difference is the design. Basically, just pick a design you like. It will look nice and tell you what time it is. A watch that isn't expensive, looks decent, and tells you the time. What a weird world we live in.