What Your Watch Brand Says About You

     There are several very important items that most men need to have. None of these serve any real functional day to day purpose. In fact, the less of a function it serves, the more important it is to have. For example, my car may need new tires, but I also have a pressing need for a Romanian AK-47 to keep under my bed. Guess which one I'll be buying? Let's just hope it doesn't snow in Charleston anytime soon.
   With the meteoric rise of the cell phone, there is perhaps nothing that is less useful yet more vital to have than a wrist watch. Don't question my logic on that one.  Just go with it. The right wrist watch projects an image of timeless classiness, the sort of image that says "I have a cellar full of vintage wine, but I also have herpes." There is nothing more badass than a statement like that. However, the wrong watch can say something along the lines of "I auditioned for Jersey Shore, but was too big of a douchebag to make the final cut."
   The brand of wristwatch is the first thing that most people will notice. The brand of watch says a lot about you... not only how much you paid for it, but how much you want other people to think you paid for it. Here's a list of a few basic brands of wrist watch and what wearing them says about the person fortunate or unfortunate enough to wear them:

Rolex: Please notice me. I saved up all my commission checks for two years from the used car lot and bought this Rolex along with a 2004 Porsche Boxster.

Tag Heuer: I am absolutely clueless, but I wanted to appear as if I had a nice watch. Will you buy me a case of Sudafed?

Omega: I know a little bit about watches, but couldn't afford a Rolex. If I pay your girlfriend 300 dollars, do you think she'll give me an HJ in the women's bathroom?

Patek Philippe: I'm a raging, raging, badass and if you don't realize it, I don't care. Also, your wife and I are sleeping together, and "your" son that you are raising is mine. 

Seiko: Please, stop putting flaming bags of dog shit on my front porch. Please.

Nixon: I can't wait to get my driver's license next year.

Fossil: Which bar are we going to to watch the UFC fight tonight? Did you see my new tat?


  In conclusion, a wrong choice in a wrist watch can be fatal to your life, your family, and your career. Don't mess up your life by making a poor purchase.