Heroes: Charles Barkley

HEROES

   CNN has some stupid series called "heroes" where they talk about every day idiots that do something stupid like save a busload of children or donate money to prevent the hospital's cancer ward from being bulldozed to become condominiums. We here at "Why I'm Better Than You" won't be discussing these fake heroes. Instead, we will be discussing the true heroes of western civilization. Our first hero is none other than Charles Barkley. 
    Charles Barkley has transcended the line from being a professional athlete into being someone who is famous for how much of a badass they are at day-to-day activities (see Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg, hell even Justin Timberlake). I can say that Charles Barkley has even become somewhat of a "role model" (see his old commercial) for me. It's not what Charles Barkley has done that I admire, it's how he's recovered from numerous events that would be a public relations nightmare for most.
  I admire Charles Barkley for his unapologetic style and his overall outspoken-ness. First and foremost, when Charles Barkley was pulled overall for suspicion of DUI, he explained to the cop that he was only pulling around the corner to get a BJ from a woman in the car (not his wife) and it was "the best BJ [he's] ever had." He went on to politely tell the officer that if he could somehow get him out of the DUI, he swore to god he would get his name tattooed on his penis. For whatever bizarre reason, the officer still arrested him. It was important to note, however, that Barkley was extremely cooperative throughout the process with the officers and engaged in friendly banter with them throughout. Any guy who's awesome enough to truthfully explain the situation to the officer (kindly) and offer such a kind reward is A OK in my book. Certainly, I do not condone drinking and driving. The officers were certainly right to arrest Mr. Barkley (although the prospect of having my name on his penis in perpetuity would probably be enough for me to let him off with a warning), but it's only human to try to get out of the situation. Rather than screaming at the cop or threatening violence like Mel Gibson or Alan Iverson, he went the classy route and gave the cop an offer he almost couldn't refuse.
 Mr. Barkley also once tried to spit on a fan for heckling him but "didn't get enough foam" and spit on a small girl. Unlike most current NBA players, who would have not apologized and possibly raped the girl, Mr. Barkley sincerely apologized and became friends with her family and provided lifetime tickets to games. That's class. Not everyone is lucky enough to be a recipient of his "classy side", though, as he once through someone through a window (just like in the movies) for throwing ice at him. And he probably deserved it.


Here are a few zingers from the mind of Mr. Barkley:
     "Only poor people go to jail."
     "Anytime a fan touches you, you have the right to beat the hell out of him."
     "Do I have a gambling problem? I do have a gambling problem, but it's not really a problem because I can afford to gamble."
    Responding to someone who said that Auburn is a tough school that requires a lot of academic effort to attend, "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"
    "When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."