However, because of all of the aforementioned activities that have taken place, my brain is still a little fried. Rather than come up with some witty introduction where I give some bogus backstory that explains what event triggered me to write this post, I'll just skip that step and list "Several Reasons Why I Hate You".
You're a Grown Man Who Claims to Like Pro Soccer
Stop. That's enough. Stop pretending to like soccer. I bet you're the same douchebag who gets drunk at the bar and tells everyone why we should be on the metric system. Listen, buddy, we're in America. Soccer sucks because they run around some oversized field for an hour (I think, the clock measures the time backwards, naturally) and something cool happens once every thirty minutes. I need my sports to contain more violence or general frattiness than men's soccer. I want to see some concussions (football), or at least know that the guy I'm watching pitch the ball was most likely wrecking some underage pop singer the night before, after he shot his daily dose of Winstrol into his ass (baseball). There's nothing cool about soccer. The only people in America that watch it are hipster contrarians who probably hate soccer as much as I do, they just need to act different because they somehow think it helps them get laid. I liked soccer too, but then sixth grade rolled around and I just got too busy to hop in the minivan and make it to practice.
You Have More Than One College Team You Cheer For
I was originally going to make fun of people that cheer for a college team that differs from where they attended college. However, I realized this may seem a bit "elitist", since not everyone can afford to attend the college that they grew up liking, or maybe they were just too stupid to get in. I mean, I'm not judging. Hell, I barely made it out of college, and I'm pretty sure nobody in my family believed I actually graduated until they saw my diploma attached to a notarized copy of my transcript. Either way, I'll broaden my criteria to generalize this category to anyone that cheers for different teams in multiple sports. All of my gamecock friends love the gamecocks in the fall, but come spring they cheer on the Tar Heels as if they have a UNC diploma on their wall. Guess what... they don't. UNC is a smart person school, and they were too big of a dumbass to get in. Hey, I'm not judging, I didn't even get into Virginia Tech (true story), but I don't have some displaced passion for them that I let out by cheering on their croquet team whenever I get the change. Listen, if your team wasn't that good in a sport, don't give up on it. Instead, relish it. Use that as an opportunity to show the world just how big of a fan you are. If you're a UNC basketball fan and have different loyalty in the football world, why? Why the hell do you suck so much that you can only cheer for a team that's winning. Twenty bucks says you are a Dallas Cowboys fan.
If You Constantly Say "The Book Was Better"
I shouldn't have to explain this one. If I watch a movie that I enjoy, and you say "the book was better", I'm going to judge you. The reason I watch movies is to sit down on my couch and not think about anything but some fictional character's problems for about two hours. It's a method of relaxation. I need to relax as much as possible to get away from my hectic, 12 hour a week work schedule. Books are stupid. Ok, sure, they're occasionally ok as a means to really get into someone else's head and get all philosophical and stuff. For the one day a year that I feel like doing this, I just re-read American Psycho and the urge goes away. The reason nobody likes books is because a book is essentially a task. Nobody wants to buy a to-do list. But that's what a book is. It's not enjoyable unless you put some effort into it, and we as Americans just don't have time for things that involve effort. So, while you're reading the "better" book, I'm sitting on my couch drinking Busch Light thinking about how awesome my life is compared to yours. I get to watch hot actresses for two hours, you have to listen to Levar Burton's voice in your head for however long it takes to read the book (I don't remember how long that takes) narrate the story to you while taking an occasional break to stop chasing the "butterfly in the sky" and tell you about the magic of reading.
